The 3-Beer Corollary

Don’t let this be you

 How to get the most out of your golf game… and alcohol

The 3-beer corollary is a theory that has bandied about for decades and I’d be lying if I took total credit for it’s foundations.  In my opinion, it could evolve the human race.  We’re a species that doesn’t fulfill all it’s potential, and I’m not talking about only using 10% of our brains; I’m talking about maximizing our tremendous physical gifts while ignoring our prohibitive brain while playing sports that some people could aptly call hobbies.  I’m NOT suggesting that this will, in anyway, get us any closer to developing the next Google or building flying cars or creating a better civilization, in fact, it won’t help in almost any walk of life.  But it will change the way we golf, bowl, lawn bowl, play bocci, cornhole, mini golf, horseshoe, charades, Pictionary and Scattagories.  It is a theory that utilizes the best part of beer, it’s ability to quiet the brain.

4 CRITERIA FOR 3-BEER COROLLARY APPLICATION

#1. YOU MUST DRINK, not heavily, but consistently.

#2. YOU CAN’T BE A SNOB. You must feel comfortable drinking multiple domestic or imported beers (if you’re one of those guys, and I am, so don’t judge me).  If you agree with the Dos Equis “Most interesting man in the world” about beer drinking being a secondary choice to booze then this theory isn’t for you and you’re trying too hard, give up on life.

#3. YOU MUST DRINK AND PLAY.  If you bring beers when you go golfing, you’re good.  In fact, the below example is entirely for you.  If you hit the bowling alley and before getting shoes you get a candlepin-shaped Bud Light, you’re really good.  And if you drive around with a cooler in the back of your pick-up, you can stop reading because you already get it, TOO much.  Don’t drink and drive, kids.

#4 YOU MUST NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC.  This is the most important rule, and not just because it’s dangerous to yourself, your family and the surrounding community. This theory hinges on restraint, so if you are getting blackout drunk in casual situations like golfing, that’s a problem, seek immediate medical treatment.

THE THEORY

The theory goes like this: beers mute the “second guessing” voices in our brains.  Too many beers mute the communication between your brain to your body.  The right amount of beer allows the brain to glimpse nirvana, if only for a fleeting moment.  Now trying to maintain this nirvana and sustain it over a period of time, well, that’s near impossible.  But here’s how I try.

For me, the most obvious example is playing golf.  Without any beers, I can line up a shot, feel comfortable with my swing and confident and step up to the box and just go flaccid (What? I have a raging hard-on when I golf, get over yourself.)  On the other hand, with a full 6-pack in me, I can line up my shot, feel comfortable in my swing and confident and step up to the box and not hit the ball at all.  With the 3-beer corollary you don’t have to worry about your impotence or being too hammered to perform basic functions, all you have to worry about is that massive rager happening in your pants.

You can just as easily apply this theory to target practice with a beebee gun, roof ball, or a game of Horse, I would argue that this could also help test-taking, writing and a whole litany of intellectual pursuits, but golf is where I’ll start.  Here is the general outline to reaching the mind-body optimization of the 3-beer corollary:

THE APPLICATION OF THE LAW

FRONT NINE

1st HOLE: The first tee is generally miserable.  I can’t open a beer to calm the nerves because they’re hidden in the bag because bringing beer to local golf course is against the rules, which is easily the stupidest and most ignored rules in any municipality with the possible exception of urinating in public all over the golf course. I’ve got a chub going; I’ve psyched myself up; I’m ready to go.  Then the group behind pulls up and start chatting about real estate or Obamacare destroying America or some bullshit, only to hush when they see me on the tee.

Now they either whisper about their idiotic theories on the markets or are completely silent.  I prefer the whisper, because the silence is the worst. All that confidence you talked yourself into disappears and then a little voice pops in your head (or maybe it’s the dumbass brother in law who was invited because our normal fourth had to go to the swap meet with his wife) that says “if you don’t hit it past the ladies tee you’re going to play the rest of the hole with your dick out.”  Inevitably, I stub it and spend the next few minutes looking at every angle of the ball to find a way that my ball is in fact closer to the hole than the ladies tee, while the group behind you moans and groans about playing behind a bunch of weirdos that want to see each other’s peckers.

DOUBLE BOGEY- bad hole.  Facerake doesn’t have a real suggestion for how to undo this unless you’re showing up the golf course half in the bag.  1st hole’s the most agonizing, so take your lumps and move on.

2nd Hole: I’ve finally separated from the clubhouse so the first beer gets cracked.  The second hole is miserable because I’m still reeling from playing the first hole with my dick out, which is by far the worst unwritten rule in casual sports.  My adrenaline is all out of whack and thusly the 1st beer gets pounded.

ANOTHER DOUBLE BOGEY – Again unless there’s some way to imbibe beforehand, you’re SOL, but this is where it turns.

3rd Hole: The third hole something changes.  Maybe it’s the alcohol.  Maybe it’s the relaxation of being two holes removed from having your penis dangling in public, but my tee shot straightens.  Best shot of the day.  I start feeling pretty good about myself.   TOO good.  Golf is a humbling game and the second you forget that, you’ll be reminded, but now that I’m feeling more relaxed, I’ve slowed my drinking and halfway done with my 2nd beer…

Now is where the restraint and indulgence battle begins.  The easiest thing to do when you have a 2 beer buzz is make it a 3 beer buzz then a 4 beer buzz then 5, 6….  But now’s when you have to maintain 2 and 4 beer buzz for the rest of the round.  You’ve reached the level of buzz you want.  Now it’s about how you can maintain it the rest of the round.  Don’t drink too much or too little the rest of the way.  It gets tricky.

BOGEY – Things are looking up.

4th – 9th Hole: Here comes the best part of my golf round.  From holes 4-9, I’m a different player.  My power slice becomes a power fade. Stubbed chips become worm burners. It’s like the zone that Michael Jordan used to go into, but with alcohol and absolutely no athletic ability.  These six holes are a nice balancing act of trying to keep my 3-beer buzz. I prefer to go with something like a beer every 2.5 to 3 holes for the rest of the front nine.  These aren’t rigid rules, but if I suddenly feel like taking a third mulligan on the par 3 because I’m definitely going to hit a hole-in-one maybe it’s time to take a deep breath and sober up a bit.

FEW PARS, BOGEYS AND A BIRDIE – Best stretch on the course, by the end you’re halfway through and you think you might just make a run at the Q tour.

4 IMPORTANT NOTES ABOUT THE HALFWAY POINT

#1 IMPORTANT HALFWAY NOTE:  Once you’ve finished 9 holes, YOU MUST STOP AND EAT A HOT DOG at the turn.  You need something to soak up the booze to keep you on the level.  Also, there isn’t a better hot dog in the world then at your local municipal golf course. That’s science.

#2 IMPORTANT HALFWAY NOTE:  The second requirement of the pit stop is DO NOT OVERDO IT ON THE RELOAD OF BOOZE. I don’t care if they’re giving away Four Lokos.  If you’ve run out of beers, my feeling is, buy two 12-16 oz. beer per person, but if you’ve already run out, chances are someone is getting hammered or you’re improperly prepared.

#3 IMPORTANT HALFWAY NOTE: NO 24 OUNCE BEERS! In the warm sun, it’ll taste like ass, but more importantly it will throw the whole 3-beer corollary off because now you’re trying to finish the beer before it’s disgusting, instead of maintaining a nice pleasant mind body optimization buzz.

#4 IMPORTANT HALFWAY NOTE: The back 9 can start one of two ways:  backed-up because everyone got a hot dog or wide open because you have stupid idiots in front of you that are going to suck because they didn’t have a hot dog.  If there is a group waiting to tee off, just relax.  There’s no reason to leave the clubhouse area, take a deep breath, call your significant other (note: always do this before the round is over).  No sense in getting out in the hot sun only to be sitting there waiting.  Also don’t treat the 1oth hole like the first hole, you’ve got a solid buzz on and you should have the confidence to crush the tee shot.

BACK NINE

10th Hole: By this point I have enough of a mind-body optimization buzz that I’m not feeling the butterflies.  But if I do have a case of stage fright, this is only hole left where hammering a beer won’t have the destructive side effects.  I hammer a beer.  If I do this after the 10th hole, I willbe urinating in the sand trap and playing grabass with the group in front of me.  Not recommended.

BOGEY

11th -14th Holes: This is the Amen Corner of alcohol-involved sporting events.  If I can make it through these 4 holes, I will put up a personal best.  I MUST keep my alcohol level low without completely stopping drinking.  I REPEAT, I CAN NOT STOP DRINKING!  The second I stop; I go into hangover mode.  Nobody golfs well with a hangover, ask Graeme McDowell.

PAR, BOGEY, BOGEY, PAR

15th-17th Holes: STOP DRINKING.  If I’m not done with my beer, I toss it down.  You don’t want to be nursing a beer that tastes like mop water at a strip club through the last four holes.

BOGEY, BOGEY, PAR

18th Hole: Enjoy the hole. You feel like shit by now, but if you did this right you kept a 3-beer buzz for 16 of 18 holes and that’s as good as you can do.

DOUBLE BOGEY

And that is that.  18 holes of golf, 4-5 hours of hilarious fun, and a solid buzz.  One of the great things about the 3-beer corollary is that it’s fun to practice, but very difficult to get exactly right.  Becoming a master requires meditation, diligence, commitment, a perfect balance of indulgence and restraint and practice.

Godspeed

– Jamie C.

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